ADHD and Toxic Relationships:

Your ADHD Might Explain Some of Your Behaviour.

It Does Not Explain Theirs.

Vanessa Bailey MBACP

 

There’s something about ADHD and toxic relationships that I think we need to talk about more.

As a psychotherapist who works with a lot of ADHDers, I find myself having conversations about toxic and unhealthy relationships far more often than I’d like to admit.

And as a late diagnosed ADHDer myself, I can understand how some of the things we already struggle with can make relationships complicated.

Not because ADHD causes unhealthy or abusive relationships. It doesn’t. And having ADHD certainly doesn’t make us responsible for somebody abusing, controlling or manipulating us.

But because some of the things many of us with ADHD already struggle with can be incredibly easy for the wrong person to exploit.

Forgetfulness. Emotional dysregulation. Rejection sensitivity. People pleasing. Impulsivity. Difficulty remembering exactly what happened during emotionally intense situations. Years of being told we’re too sensitive, too emotional, too forgetful or simply getting things wrong.

In an unhealthy relationship, these vulnerabilities can become ammunition.

And suddenly ADHD becomes the explanation for everything that is wrong in the relationship.

Can ADHD make us more vulnerable in toxic relationships?

ADHD does not mean someone will experience abuse. But certain ADHD traits can be exploited within controlling, manipulative or abusive relationships.

Many of us have spent years feeling like we’re the problem.

We forgot something important. We lost something. We interrupted. We got overwhelmed. We reacted emotionally. We misunderstood something.

Eventually, “Maybe it is me” can become almost automatic.

Then imagine being with somebody who reinforces that belief.

If they tell you you’re remembering an argument incorrectly, you might think, well, my memory isn’t great.

If they tell you you’re overreacting, you might think, I do struggle with emotional regulation.

If they tell you you’re impossible to communicate with, you remember all the times you’ve interrupted or struggled to organise your thoughts.

Slowly, genuine ADHD difficulties can become tangled up with somebody else’s behaviour.

And it becomes increasingly difficult to work out which bit actually belongs to you.

When someone uses your ADHD against you

An abusive or manipulative person doesn’t necessarily need to create new insecurities.

Sometimes they can use the ones we already have.

If you’ve spent your whole life being told you’re forgetful, questioning your memory can be particularly effective.

If you’ve always been called sensitive, being told you’re overreacting hits somewhere that already hurts.

If rejection feels enormous, withdrawing affection or threatening to leave can feel unbearable.

If you’re a people pleaser, you might work harder and harder to keep the peace.

And if you struggle with ADHD emotional dysregulation, your eventual reaction during conflict can become the focus while everything that happened beforehand disappears from the conversation.

Suddenly you’re no longer talking about what happened.

You’re talking about how you reacted to it.

What if I did react badly?

This is where ADHD and unhealthy relationship dynamics can become really complicated.

Because sometimes we did react badly.

Maybe we shouted. Maybe we said something we regret. Maybe we became completely overwhelmed and lost our cool.

We have to own our choices.

ADHD isn’t an excuse for harmful behaviour.

But taking responsibility for our own behaviour doesn’t mean taking responsibility for everything that happens in a relationship.

This is why I come back to the same phrase again and again:

Both things can be true.

I can have ADHD and struggle with emotional regulation.

And somebody can be treating me badly.

I can forget details.

And my version of events doesn’t automatically become meaningless.

I can interrupt during an argument.

And I still deserve to be listened to.

I can react in a way I’m not proud of.

And that doesn’t automatically make me responsible for the entire relationship dynamic.

Accountability is healthy.

Being made responsible for everything is not.

ADHD, self doubt and trusting your own memory

One of the most damaging things about an unhealthy relationship can be gradually losing trust in your own judgement.

For some of us with ADHD, that self doubt existed long before the relationship.

Did I forget that?

Did they actually tell me?

Am I remembering this properly?

Am I being too sensitive?

Did I misunderstand?

Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

When somebody repeatedly questions your memory, emotions or perception of events, those existing doubts can become even louder.

Over time, you might start relying more on their version of events and less on your own.

And when we stop trusting ourselves, recognising an unhealthy relationship becomes much harder.

ADHD rejection sensitivity and unhealthy relationships

Many people with ADHD describe experiencing rejection extremely intensely. This is often referred to as rejection sensitivity or rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).

If somebody becomes cold after an argument, withdraws affection, stops communicating or threatens to leave, the urge to repair the relationship can become overwhelming.

We might apologise just to make things okay again. Explain ourselves repeatedly. Promise to change. Take responsibility for things we’re not even sure were ours.

Then everything becomes good again.

And the relief can feel enormous.

But if withdrawal, rejection or threats of abandonment are repeatedly being used to control your behaviour, we need to look beyond ADHD.

The pattern matters.

ADHD, people pleasing and abusive relationships

Some of us with ADHD become incredibly good at understanding other people.

We know about their childhood. Their trauma. Their insecurities. Their previous relationships. We can understand exactly why they behave the way they do.

But sometimes we become so focused on understanding somebody else’s behaviour that we stop asking whether that behaviour is acceptable.

We ask:

“What happened to them to make them like this?”

rather than:

“What is this relationship doing to me?”

Understanding somebody isn’t the problem.

The problem comes when understanding them repeatedly requires us to abandon ourselves.

Someone’s trauma might help explain their behaviour.

It doesn’t give them permission to hurt you.

How do you know if it’s ADHD or an unhealthy relationship?

ADHD can absolutely affect relationships.

We can forget things. Interrupt. Struggle with emotional regulation. Become overwhelmed during conflict. Need more reassurance. Struggle with communication.

Healthy relationships make room for those difficulties while still expecting accountability from both people.

You should be able to say, “I got overwhelmed and I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” without the conversation becoming a list of everything that’s wrong with you.

You should be able to forget something without having your entire memory or perception questioned.

You should be able to experience strong emotions without every feeling being dismissed as “just your ADHD.”

And you should be able to work on yourself without carrying responsibility for somebody else’s choices.

ADHD might be something we need to understand and work with.

It should never become something somebody else gets to use against us.

Healing after an unhealthy relationship when you have ADHD

Sometimes one of the biggest things we need to rebuild after a toxic or abusive relationship isn’t our ability to trust another person.

It’s our ability to trust ourselves.

To recognise what we’re feeling without immediately questioning whether we’re overreacting.

To set a boundary without drowning in guilt.

To recognise our own mistakes without automatically accepting responsibility for somebody else’s.

And to understand that being forgetful, emotional, impulsive or sensitive does not mean our experiences don’t matter.

Perhaps you’ve spent so much of your life being told you’re too emotional, too sensitive, too forgetful or too much that when somebody eventually used those exact things against you, they felt familiar enough to believe.

So if there’s one thing I want you to take from this, it’s this:

Your ADHD might explain some of your behaviour.

It does not explain theirs.

Keep reading

If you found this helpful, you might also like:

ADHD and Emotional Regulation: Why Your Feelings Can Feel So Intense

Understanding RSD: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

ADHD Therapy for Women: How It Helps and What to Expect

Love Bombing vs Genuine Interest: How to Tell the Difference

10 Signs You’re Being Emotionally Manipulated (And May Not Even Realise It)

Why Do I Always End Up with Narcissists? Understanding the Pattern and How to Break Free

If ADHD is something you’re struggling with and you’re thinking about therapy, you can find out more on my ADHD Therapy page.